Jack in the Box Is Better Than Doritos

I’m a simple man with pedestrian tastes. I like my beer lite and my donuts kreme filled. I don’t need fanciness throughout my day. Just get to the point, and I’ll tell you if I approve.

Brooklyn 99- we got Andy Samberg doing goofy shit. Bam! I’m there.

Catching Fire- movie that features implied violence in lieu of entertainment. No thanks. I hope y’all enjoy it though.

I take this same attitude towards my commercials. I get commercials. The things I like need to be paid for and if General Motors wants to foot the bill in the hopes I’m going to buy a Silverado and have it repossessed two months later, I applaud them for it. I don’t want to pay for it. Companies do. I like our arrangement. I just wish every commercial was honest about who their product is for.

Some commercials try to make their product grander than what it is. Every ad campaign should try and be like Jack in the Box’s Late Night Box. It is so ingenious in how appropriate it is. It can easily be boiled down to, “We put some cheese and fries and stuff in a box. Get stoned and eat it.” Nothing could be simpler. It’s late at night, get blazed and enjoy our stuff we’re throwing together. Here’s something to wash it down, be sure to get a large soda because I bet your mouth is dry.

That is a perfect campaign. One that needs some improvement is a new Doritos commercial I saw. There’s this guy who eats a Dorito, and shit goes crazy. Three Doritos later and he’s driving like a maniac and getting pulled over. He gives 6 Doritos to the cop and bam! He’s down for the ride too. Shit has turned into an insane fuckterclust of a night.

So… What are Doritos supposed to be in this scenario? Their counting them, so Doritos are beers? They aren’t behaving like they’re drinking beers. The guys are acting like they are on some heavy drugs. So, Doritos are drugs? Well, that’s not a product I want. And what’s with the counting if Doritos=drugs? Do people count the drugs they do? Can you smoke five cracks?

The Doritos campaign should simply be kids eating the chips while playing video games. Tie it in with the importance of bringing your own controller to a LAN party. Show some dingus getting pwned by a FPS machine called Diggs while his hand is stuck in a Pringles can. Something, anything that speaks to your key demo! Middle schoolers who don’t anything too good to be covered in cheese dust.

Thanks for reading, let me know your thoughts in the comments.

-KD

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I Saved a Two Year Old

Daily Prompt

There was a two year old trapped. 

We were in McDonald’s playing in the playground area. I was 5, and he had trouble getting up the ladder. He was stuck in between the two levels because he couldn’t lift himself up. I decided to help him get all the way up and down to the slide. 

For some reason, I’ve always idealized this memory. Anytime I think I’m a bad person, or I’m embarrassed by my social awkwardness, I find solace in this memory. I think, “Hey I’m not a dick even though I cut off that car.  Would a dick have helped that kid up the playground 20 years ago? The memory has always been a grandiose experience in my head. That’s why I think it belongs with the stories about saving people.

-KD

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Ridiculously Late Movie Review

I don’t get a chance to go to the movies too often. Most of the time I have to wait until they’re on DVD. Thus, here is my ridiculously late review of The Amazing Spider-Man.

I really dug it.

And that concludes my ridiculously late review of The Amazing Spider-Man.

Boom, mislead! There might be some spoilers, nothing too in detail though. I don’t think there are any real plot twists. The story was pretty by the numbers, so I don’t think anyone really could spoil this movie.

I’ll actually go into detail. I liked the first two Sam Raimi movies and the third one had its charms. The first movie was obviously an allegory for puberty. Cracked.com and plenty of others, I’m sure, have gone into great detail about the changes young men go through and how it compares to Parker’s spider bite problems. But there is hardly any mention of Parker being a student in high school during the first movie, and he’s already in college by the second. Now, I wasn’t exactly an early bloomer, but the majority of my puberty was done while still in high school.

This movie actually shows Parker as a teenager. He gets hassled for not going to school whenever he goes somewhere during the day. His aunt waits up for him at night. He gets with his crush, sneaks into her window, pisses off her dad and a whole mess of teenage tropes that I’m blanking on right now. This is a movie about a teenage Spider-Man, and I think that’s how the character should be. Something about a twenty something making those smart alecky quips doesn’t sit right with me. Nothing against Deadpool, I just find youth fits Spider-Man well.

The villain had a weird redemptive moment at the end. Nothing earlier in the movie had set up that there was anything human left in him. It just seemed out of place with where I thought that guy was headed. Everyone else in the movie did a good job. Martin Sheen was a good Ben, Sally Field a fine May. Emma Stone is great in everything.

I’m not sure if the cashier hassling Parker over two cents was altogether believable. And I’m pretty sure it would take everyone in that school three seconds to connect the kid dunking from the three point line to the guy jumping from building to building.

Sorry if I’ve said anything similar to any other opinion that has ever been shared on the internet. I know plagiarism is wrong. If I’m too close to some other article, I guarantee I didn’t read it. Feel free to cite them in the comments.

Thanks for reading,

-KD

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Gas Stations

There is one trend in the convenience store world that I do not like. I think the convenience store is a place where everyone is in a hurry. They are on the way in to work or on the way home and it should not be a leisurely errand.

Cashiers at these stores don’t really have a sense of urgency, which I totally get. If the maximum amount of time I had to face my customers was 5 minutes, even if I dragged ass to my weighty ass’s full dragging potential, I wouldn’t be in much of a rush either. I’m not saying that the clerk should be a whirling dervish back there. And if they’re in the back scarfing down a honey bun, I’m not worried about that either. Get your donut on! I’ll be here when you swallow that mouthful of sweetness.

The thing that bothers me is when they put my cash in bank face before giving me my change. I know, I know. It takes them like 10 seconds. But I feel that should be my 10 seconds.

Now I get why they do it at the bank. It’s going to most likely end up in some sort if machine. All the bills need to go in one direction, or the machine breaks and the economy crashes. Take a few seconds, decrinkle the ones that smell of my g-string, and make sure that we don’t end up in another recession.

Now, the convenience store won’t have any sort of money machine. And if they do, their money machine isn’t bringing down any economies. It’s just their own personal little money toy that they can play money games with. The only reason for a convenience store to do their money in bank face is that the teller might give them some lollipops when they do their daily deposits. I understand, lollies are awesome.

What you don’t do, is take my ten seconds away from me to get your lollies! Putting 2,000 dollars in various denominations into bank face can take upwards of 2 minutes. You have time, in your daily work schedule to put the cash into bank face. Don’t make me watch you stay organized. That’s not what I signed up for.

You don’t even have to drop it in the drawer. Just keep it out and as soon as the change is in my hands, go nuts! Put it in bank face, crumple it up and try to make it into the Jerry’s kids jar from across the room, take my 6 bucks and head for a better life in Mexico. I really don’t care, but don’t make me watch you organize it, then hand me my change.

What do customer service people do that annoy you?

-KD

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